Students fall ill due to lack of pizza and bagels

A number of students across Florida fell ill due to a change in diet. A case of a USF student was the most severe.

Across the state of Florida college students returning home for Spring Break fell severely ill due to the change in diet, but a special case of a USF student was the most severe.

“I was really looking forward to my mother’s cooking” the USF student said to BNN on the terms of anonymity while he took of his rubber sandals and massaged his feet. “When I got there I of course raided the fridge but later that night I felt like shit. I mean really fucking awful. I feel crappier than that one time we had this keg party and I woke up next to my roommate David in bed the next morning.” He then paused before he gave the reporter a blank stare and said, “You’re not going to print that are you? Chicks won’t dig that!”

After hundreds of students that had returned home had called doctors and complained that they felt as they described “like fucking shit, man” and reportedly “totally puked their guts out” the Center of Disease Control held a press conference in Atlanta Friday, to calm the public down.

“This is perfectly normal for this time of the year.” Dr Rufus Beck, spokesperson for the CDC said to BNN after the press conference. “What happens is that students go home for Spring Break and consume food that is too tasty and nourishing compared to what they are used to and go into a shock.”

More specifically on the case of the USF student he said that it would “probably be connected to withdrawal from the diet of exclusively bagels and pizza that USF students live on because everything else at USF is pretty much inedible. So when he went home he was simply not used to food that actually tasted good.”

He also disclosed that the USF campus was a testing ground for future food products because food in the future “will be so limited that they will have to be manufactured from at least 87% cardboard.”

By Sebastian Meyer for BNN